This is not a conventional blog post. I’m breaking the rules on “How to write a blog post”. I’m doing this because it’s very difficult to write this particular post. I get physically distressed with anxiety attacks, nausea, migraines, and uncontrolled crying. I just can’t… so I’m going to post the Original Outline. There will be the Rephrase/Reprogram at the end.
Welcome to Part 2…
What are the causes for the resentment/anger?
a. The Lies
i. About my father
ii. Possibly her childhood (exaggeration?)
iii. Marriage to my stepdad (the real reason)
iv. Grief in general (did she ever grieve for anyone?)
v. I don’t know about my Papa’s family (her father)
vi. Freedom of choice regarding religion
vii. Her health… (exaggeration?) so many questions
b. Manipulation
i. If you help me, I’ll help you.
ii. Gaslighting – forcefully altering my reality to fit her story
iii. You don’t love me. (abandonment)
c. Physical abuse
i. Justification
1. Religion: Christian beliefs (spare the rod, spoil the child)
2. “Just like Eddie” => rebellious
3. You can do better; you didn’t try hard enough.
ii. Tools/weapons
1. Belts
2. Hangers
3. Rulers/paint stir sticks.
4. Hand/slapping
5. Dowels
6. Hedge trimmings & sticks/small branches
iii. Kneeling on my bare knees on the carpet, nose to the wall
d. MDSA
i. Showers together till my pre-teen years
ii. Being semi-nude or nude around me, I didn’t want to see you naked
iii. I had no privacy when changing, dressing or going to the bathroom
e. Shaming/degrading
i. Not doing something correctly or her way
ii. Not acting how she felt was proper for a little girl/young lady.
iii. Not picking or wearing what she liked (wedding dress, or other clothes)
iv. Not trying harder
v. Any perceived failure
vi. Not being “a good Christian” or “being a devil worshipper”
f. Feelings of inadequacies; not being enough
i. I’m not smart enough.
ii. I’m not fast enough.
iii. I’m not a good judge of character/people.
iv. I’m too naïve.
v. I could never make her happy.
vi. I’m too sensitive.
vii. Never the “good one”.
g. Guilting
i. I owe her.
ii. I’m all she has (only child).
iii. It’s my fault.
iv. It’s her right as my mother/as a grandmother.
v. I don’t love her enough.
h. Severe control
i. Friends: she was a “better” judge of people. I wasn’t allowed to have friends that she felt were/or could be a bad influence.
ii. Clothes: modest, girlie, lady-like; lots of fancy dresses with ruffles and lace. Shock that I was growing, and she couldn’t find clothes/dresses she liked.
iii. Free-time or general freedoms:
1. When she was home, I was with her “helping.”
2. I wasn’t allowed to play in the front yard without supervision. I could be snatched.
3. I had a pager that I had 5 minutes to find a phone and call back.
iv. Money: I don’t remember spending money, unless it was from other family members that was given in secret.How did it influence me?
a. Self-esteem
i. Self-hatred
ii. Appearance, “I’m plain & not attractive enough for someone to love me”
iii. “Lack” of intelligence
iv. “Poor” judgement
b. Identity
i. Eddie => me
ii. Trained to be a homemaker
iii. Passive, meek
iv. Obedient
c. Self-doubt
i. Mom knows best. (don’t google shit, ask her if it’s correct)
ii. Everyone tells lies about her. Don’t believe them.
d. Emotional dysfunction
i. Too sensitive
ii. Spontaneous, unregulated rage
iii. Depressed mood
iv. Numbness
v. Inability to feel happy
vi. Inability to show grief
e. Ambitions and views of/about success
i. I was afraid of failure, I created self-sabotaging behaviors
ii. I didn’t think I could do college/trade school.
iii. I believed I was only meant to have kids; that was my purpose, to give her grandchildren.
f. Personal relations
i. I felt like I never fit in, outcast
ii. People-pleaser
1. Put others first, even friends
2. Sacrifice is my duty/job
iii. Don’t question authority/elders
g. Sexual misconduct
i. Eddie did it => I’m just like my father
ii. Sex was bad/dirty
h. Poor financial skills
i. No knowledge of how to budget
ii. It was mother’s or a man’s job
i. Trust
i. Promises are made to be broken; they were never kept
ii. Everyone has an ulterior motive/agenda
j. Personal guilt
i. I’m not enough.
ii. It’s my fault, always apologizing
iii. I’m a perpetual fuck-up
k. Need for redemption
i. Always apologize
ii. “Give in” to get forgiveness/love
iii. Giving gifts = making it better
iv. Tried to learn to take responsibility, only I took responsibility for everything
Rephrase/Reprogram:
The lies I can put aside, that’s her issue, it’s not mine. For me, I am free to start asking other family questions and filling in blanks where I can. I’m free to trace my heritage, and maybe find someone to ask those questions, to be able to finally learn. Those that have passed that I can’t ask questions, I can continue to do research and try to fill in blanks. As for the abuse, including physical, mental, and emotional, this takes time. What happened to me was wrong, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t about me. My most resent epiphany was amazing. There were possibly two things going on, like a perfect storm. First, Nina already had the foundations for being a possible Cult Leader when I was born. For whatever reasons (Blessings be!) it never manifested past a cult-like Family dynamic. Second, I know now that the “curse” she believed I had, the being possessed and influenced by demons and Satan (whatever), was actually a gift from the Great Spirit, the Universe. She is most likely terrified of this gift I was blessed with. I have recently broken the metaphysical chains/bonds that held it and me back. The things flooding my mind now are amazing. I need to find my family. I can now heal. The MDSA is the hardest thing to face. Hearing her in my head say “It’s ok, I’m your mom”. No, it wasn’t ok! I was uncomfortable, I hated it. I was old enough, smart enough, and capable enough to do take care of myself. I was more than capable of bathing myself, getting my clothes, and dressing myself. If I needed help with anything, I could ask Leve or Dad, or HER… IF NEEDED. For example, if I needed help brushing and maintaining my unruly hair, my Leve was better at that Mother ever was. SHE made me hate my curls; Leve taught me to love them again. Leve taught me how to care for them and brush them properly. Leve hated it and would get so angry when Nina would get frustrated and cut off all my hair and make me look like a little boy. Carolyn would get pissed, too. This was part of the control. As for the shaming. I have NOTHING to be ashamed of! I was a child that was learning to human. I was, and still am, allowed to make mistakes. I never believed in Christianity. I tried, but it never fit right. Did neo-paganism fit right? Not quite, but my spiritual journey is finally progressing to what does feel right. And no, I don’t eat babies or sacrifice animals. (I’m going into a tangent) As I have said before and will continue to proclaim, I am enough. I am enough for me, for those that love me, and for everyone. It was never my job as a child or adult to make HER happy. People can’t make other people happy, only you can make yourself happy. Happiness is found within. As for the remaining things in the outline, those things were either be stopped when I went No Contact or handled through intense therapy. I am in a much better place, healing and making progress. I am slowly reprogramming my brain. This is another path in that journey.
Doing something a little different…
Lost by Linkin Park
I’m lost in these memories
Living behind my own illusion
Lost all my dignity
Living inside my own confusion
Songwriters: Joseph Hahn / Brad Delson / Mike Shinoda / Robert G. Bourdon / Chester Charles Bennington / David Farrell
First published February 24, 2024