This post is going to be a long one and it may seem all over the place. Stay with me, I’m going to be connecting dots and giving a look into my mind and how I came to this point. This is a start to a new chapter in my life and my healing journey. Things are going to get wild here.
The last two posts and last month (February 2024) have been mentally, emotionally, and spiritually liberating for me. I am finally experiencing full self freedom that I have never had. I want to write about what I have discovered about myself in the last year.
I had seen Joss before for therapy around 2017. I had never just gotten up and left a session and not gone back. Typically, I would just change therapist because they weren’t a good fit; I wasn’t getting anywhere, changing for the better or learning to cope appropriately. She was the only person ever to say, “tell me about your mother”. At that moment, I wasn’t ready. I was still in the mindset of “you wouldn’t believe me anyway.” Fast forward to November 2022, and I called her and made an appointment. That first appointment after going “no contact” was, in my mind, my chance to vent to the only person I trusted. She was unbiased and nonjudgmental. My intention was to unpack, to bitch, and just to vent. Get it all out and let someone know that I just couldn’t take it anymore. After an hour of word-vomit, she responded with a simple phrase, “I believe you”. There were other things mentioned and talked about, things for me to think about. Those three words though, were the most impactful, soul-shaking phrase ever said to me. I cried and told her that no one had ever said that to me before. They just made excuses for her, justified her behavior (she’s your mother, she’s doing the best she can, or nobody is perfect). Going forward, I set my usual schedule of every two weeks. That lasted 3-4 visits. I then asked to move the sessions to every week. I had never done this before. The financial hit was worth it. Since about February 2023, I have had therapy every week. We have taken some breaks. (Mental health professionals need breaks, too. It’s a tough job.) I have learned, done tons of research, asked questions; anything for me to try to understand me, my life, my Maternal Figure, all of it. I did come to my own conclusions and theories based on my own experiences. This journey has been everywhere from hard at times to enlightening and liberating. I have had good and bad epiphanies and I have grown mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
At the beginning of my healing journey, I did get caught up in the “why’s and what’s”. Why is she like this? What did I do to deserve this? Why am I so evil or horrible? What made her do this to me? Why did she think this was ok? As if figuring out her brain could make me feel better. I tried to find community in narcissistic abuse survivor groups, but still felt as if I was different. My experiences were so “out-of-the-norm” of others. I just couldn’t connect. I then started down rabbit holes and found out that my story and experiences were unique. I could still offer support and help others. I just wanted – needed – answers to my questions.
Then you get hit with a revelation one day while watching a true crime video on YouTube. It then sent me down another web of rabbit holes. I went from religion and cults to how all cult leaders are narcissists and psychopaths or sociopaths or both. From there, I went into cult research and the BITE model. I could identify with each thing in the model. Yet, I wasn’t in a structured cult. The next step turned into “can families be cult-like environments”? There is evidence of cult-like family dynamics. It seemed like everyone my Maternal Figure encountered fell under her “influence”. Few didn’t “drink the Kool-Aid”. So, looking back, it explained in a way, why from a young age, I began asking myself what the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I see what everyone else saw in her? Was I really that damaged or possessed that I deserved the punishments? From here, my mind began to open, and the dots started to connect. And the shit started to get deep, but it finally began to make sense.
With that realization, I discovered that the answer didn’t justify what she did or explain why she did it. Then the epiphany, it didn’t matter. Her reasons or her why’s didn’t matter to my healing. That was her story and journey to heal and grow from. And accepting that she wouldn’t do the work, that was her business. My therapy and healing journey was about me, not her. I could now move forward with my own healing. I had a loose plan. She was, in my opinion and from my experiences, a narcissistic cult leader that failed to achieve infamy. This was my foundation though. I needed to deprogram and reprogram my brain.
I continued my journey and research. Only now, I was focused on deconstructing religion (mainly Christianity) and understanding my spirituality. I never believed in Christianity. It never fit. I tried, I studied, I read their book, I asked questions, I went to different churches, I tried it all. It just never made sense to me. Looking back, I was in a constant “faith-crisis” until I was in my 20’s. I wanted to believe because I thought if I believed, she would finally love me and I would be free of whatever curse or demons I had. I stopped going to church when I was about 17. The church I was attending was very small and the pastor was willing to answer questions and chat. My questioning though, I think, crossed some boundaries or protocol or something. The last conversation I remember having with him after a sermon on a Sunday was about why exactly woman had to be treated the way they were. Why did they have to be subservient? I read the full chapters that contained the verses that he used, and I didn’t get the same message. Was I missing something? I realize now, I wasn’t missing anything, I was asking questions, the wrong questions. I quit going to church, I quit reading their book. I just stopped trying. I knew there was something out there, I just had to keep looking.
When I first met Ihnzo around 1997, I learned paganism was actually a real thing. It was a passing reference at the time, but it was a bug in my ear that there was something else out there. Not long after that, in 1998, I had a spiritual experience. It was earth-shattering for me. I won’t talk about it here. I will say that I came into contact with a spiritual being, deity, or something. I still don’t know to this day. Move to 2003, and Ihnzo and I were now in a relationship that had progressed, and I moved in with him. Through conversations, I began to learn about paganism. He then showed me his collection of books and told me I was free to read and study them. I absorbed them, plus I now had the internet, too. I was a sponge. I read everything I could find that interested me, I talked to people, and I asked questions. Then for the first time, shared some of the metaphysical experiences I had growing up. This was a journey that has lasted over 20 years and continues today. And then, worlds collided!
I was connecting dots with my childhood abuse, and realized so much of it was justified by “God”. Whoa! Full stop. Religious abuse is a thing, and it’s wrong. Any religion or belief system can be weaponized, and it should never happen. “Spare the rod, spoil the child”, “give your (fill in the blank) to God”, “God will protect you”, “God only gives you what He knows you can handle”, “the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away” …. On and on. CRAP! It often wasn’t the words; it was the way in which they were used. This is how she was able to ensnare so many people. They were/are religious people, too. So, when she makes herself look pious, godly, “living the Word”, righteous, kind, and generous; they are going to believe her. On the flip side though, she is the one that taught me that everyone has an ulterior motive… only I learned that she was the only one in my life that had an ulterior motive for everything she did and said. By now, I think she actually believes her own bullshit. And that is sad.
Back to me though.
After struggling with what I believed were my core self-values, unpacking abuse, coming to terms with these things and my programming; I had another profound spiritual experience. One that opened my mind and gave me complete clarity. Everything made sense. I had a series of dreams over a weekend in February, premonition dreams. It had been so long since I had been open to them, I didn’t realize at first that this is what was happening. I figured it on a Monday, and by Thursday I had so much to tell Joss about. I also brought an object. (My therapist and I share a spiritual path, believing in many of the same things.) I told her about a locked forgotten memory that had also surfaced since the dreams over that past weekend. We discussed the dots that I was making sense of and connecting. One of which was the story my Maternal Figure had told so many people about me at age 5 that was just another lie. I remember the event that triggered that story. Her version didn’t happen. It did start the path of why I think she believed I was possessed or influenced by Satan. The things I experienced growing up are for another time. I thought they were normal. I was not afraid at first. I became afraid after being told over and over they were of the devil, and evil. The object in question was something I was told would protect me from the “bad things”. To the point that even up to February of this year, it was never far from me while I slept. That belief that it would protect me faded over time, but I still couldn’t part with it. I felt like I was bound to it.
I talked to Joss about this the same day we discussed the dreams and recovered memory. It was suggested that there might be both a psychological and negative energy bond to it. She said that I might be the only one who could figure out how to break both. When therapy was over, I dropped it in one of the pockets of my backpack and left. I ran several errands that day. When I got home and unpacked my backpack, the object was gone. I went into full-blown panic mode. I emptied the truck out (threw out the trash finally), dumped the backpack, grocery bags that had come in, a box that was in the truck…. It was Gone! I focused on continuing with my evening routine like making dinner, journaling about therapy, the usual. When I finally went to bed, I prepared myself for a horrible night of whatever. I slept unbelievably wonderful that night. When I woke up, I could literally see the world in a different way. The soul-heavy feeling was gone. It took a few days to put words to that feeling. It was as if the chains of emotional and spiritual slavery were broken.
I have been visited by a relative that passed before I was born, the “little people” have returned (they stay outside though lol), and my divination practice is clearer. I can breath and take a moment to emotionally regulate. I’m getting better at not jumping into conflict. I also was able to disconnect some of the dots and understand that there were two different pictures that blended on the edges were they touched.
In one picture, Nina was this “Saint” that people believed and stood by and supported. The second picture is her belief that I really was a spawn of something evil and that I was cursed. All of this is wrong. She is manipulative and everything she does and says has an ulterior motive so that she will get something out of it; tangible or intangible. She is a “False-Saint”. I was not cursed; I was blessed with a gift. I believe this is from my heritage. I’m not asking you to believe in the metaphysical, but please don’t judge my experiences and beliefs. I spent so many years being told that I was crazy, schizophrenic, or delusional. I’m not possessed and I don’t worship the devil. I don’t even believe in a “devil”. I’m not alone in my spiritual experiences.
The biggest, most freeing revelation in last few weeks, was being able to finally, confidently say out loud, “I am not fucked up!” Yeah, horrible shit happened to me, but it is not me. I am ready to choose who, what and how I want to be. With that being said, some things I may never be able to fully heal from. All I can do is grow and continue to try and be better for myself. Some things I have shed like ill-fitting clothes. I’m still unlocking forgotten memories, so there’s still stuff to work on. I am mentally and emotionally clearer now. For the most part, I’m more at ease. I am filled with a sense of personal freedom. I’m not stuck in a constant hypervigilant, crisis-management mode. I used to run on stress, like some run on coffee. Now I’m learning how to actually cope with stress in a healthy way. I can freely, rationally make plans for the future. I can see the future for the first time; not just today and tomorrow. I still wake up and say “one day at a time” for some things. For other things, I have been able to start setting Intentions (goals) and making plans to reach mile markers on my Journey.
I will continue to write about my past. I will also be writing about this new chapter. I didn’t want this blog site to be all about my Maternal Figure, it’s not a smear campaign. I needed to set a foundation for my story, my healing journey. Moving forward, this is about me. I’m sure she will still come up, but only as a matter of context, to try to or to help explain something. MANY, MANY HUGS TO EVERYONE on your path.
Houston Heights by Blue October
I wanna light my soul on fire
Sit back and watch it burn
Then call my enemies over
And let them take their turn
Let’s see whose flame burns brighter
Let’s see who is ready to quit oh
Let’s talk about where you come from
And what you’re gonna do with this
We want the same thing
Oh yeah, but it just ain’t good enough
We want the whole world
Oh yeah, but it just ain’t good enough
We wanna stay cool
Oh yeah, but it just ain’t good enough
We keep our nose clean
Oh yeah, but it just ain’t good enough
Songwriters: Justin Furstenfeld / Matt Noveskey
First published March 10, 2024