I want to do a multi-part series of memories, good and bad, of others. Not bad memories about my experiences with them, but bad memories of things the Biological Maternal Figure did or said about them, treated them, etcetera. And, as most things go in my life, I also want to touch on the not so good that concern me. I have thoughts, epiphanies, things I’ve learned that I want to tell others about. It’s amazing how the universe opens doors and shows you things when it feels you are ready. These are two of the biggest doors to recently open for me. The first I call my Ultimate Epiphany, the second is my Revelation.
So, the first point, my Ultimate Epiphany. I was watching a video from the YouTuber Ichapod: Learning the Bible from “Heathens”. (I’m still learning to embed videos lol) What the woman (Heathen Queen) he was interviewing was saying was profound to me. Immediately I could see the ways that the Christian things that I was brow-beat with growing up and into adulthood, influenced my spiritual practice and journey. I was shocked rather than personally appalled at myself. It made sense though. My everyday life, whether positively or negatively, has been influenced by Christian views. Even though in my soul I never believed in God or Jesus or the Hoy Spirit, for various reasons, I still held a Pandora’s Box that one day… maybe, hopefully… I would see the light and it would ALL make sense and I would actually believe the crap. In my head though, logically, it was scary and creepy that this supposed omnipotent being could see and hear everything about me. This being could hear my thoughts, there was no place to hide; nothing and nowhere was safe. It still sends uncomfortable shivers through me. With this in mind, as a child you begin to believe that no matter what I did or didn’t do, what I thought or didn’t think, I was going to Hell. I was unclean, that maybe The Biological Maternal Figure was right, and I was possessed by demons, influenced by Satan, whatever. I was eternally flawed. I would never be able to be “redeemed”. As I got older, in my teens through high school, if I was so horrible and I was going to Hell anyway, then as she always said, “Don’t do anything half-assed”. So, I fucking ran with it and embraced it. I didn’t actually see myself as rebellious until well into adulthood. The BMF is the one that continually punished me for being rebellious. I was just being an extrovert, being young and free. I wasn’t doing anything illegal. I never did illegal drugs, drank alcohol, smoked anything. I didn’t have sex till I was 17. I was not doing the things she continued to accuse me of or tried to find evidence of. I was an A-B student that my teachers loved. I skipped class, absolutely. Who didn’t? I got into mischief. Many of us did. I didn’t start using swear words until my freshman year. After a while, you just give up and give in. You embrace the shit and become the shit. Today, I am everything she “knew” I would become. I have tattoos, I “worship the devil” (I’m a gnostic atheist), I had affairs (much like my father), I swear worse than the military, and I have had my DL suspended (I’m not proud) for speeding. I still don’t drink, use illegal drugs, or smoke anything. Am I a horrible person? That depends on your definition of horrible and your view of what is and isn’t moral. Do I feel like I’m a horrible person? Yes and no. Yes, because I have done things that I will cover in a later post. No, because I’m not the things that she thinks I am or the things she tells people I am. I do have morals, I do know right and wrong, and I am remorseful for the things that I have done. (That really is a post for later…)
I would like to take this opportunity to write about my spiritual beliefs and why I prefer to be called a gnostic atheist. A gnostic could be described as someone who has or studies spiritual matters, especially the esoteric. An atheist was originally defined as someone who did not believe in God. It has evolved, as words do, to include those who do not believe in God or other gods, or any supreme being. I use atheist in the original meaning, I do not believe in the God of Abraham. Do I believe in other gods? I’m still searching. I believe something is out there, I just can’t name it. As far as I’m concerned, it may have many names. I believe in spirits and ancestors. I believe in a soul. I believe you can ask spirits, ancestors, or the Higher Being(s) for guidance. I do not believe that any of these entities can DO anything for you. You can’t ask for a better job or a new car and get it without work. Things just don’t appear out of thin air just because you prayed. And praying harder isn’t the work you need to do. Doing “pagan rituals” in my opinion is the same thing as praying. I have asked various entities for advice on a plan/path, influence in an endeavor (such as a little extra luck, strength, or courage) … but I still did the work in the mundane world. I’m not saying my way is the only way or the best way. This is what I believe and what works for me. It doesn’t change my experiences of seeing and communicating with spirits or ancestors. It doesn’t change my experiences in divination. I am forever a student on this spiritual journey. I’m not looking for enlightenment or Nirvana, I just want personal peace, spiritual freedom, and a better self. I use my talents to help those close to me. I do not believe in White/Good magick or Black/Evil magick. For me, it’s in the intention. I hope this helps someone, or it gives someone a better understanding of me.
This brings me to my Revelation. Why does my brain/mind work the way it does? Sitting in Couple’s Therapy, after a small conversation about communication styles, the therapist looks at me and states, “You’re neurodivergent, too”. I just stopped mid thought. “What?” I mean, I know Ihnzo and I carry the gene for ASD, but I never thought it was dominate. The test report showed it as recessive. Which is what prompted us to get Void (our oldest son) evaluated for ASD. At the end of the day, DW and I concluded that we are both on the Spectrum. After our appointment and my brain had begun to process this revelation, my world exploded. I ended up in several text conversations, with about four people, asking questions. Questions about me and what they thought about me in this context. All agreed separately that this made sense, and a few pointed out behaviors that explained it. My main issue though was based on stigma. I am not proud of this as advocate against stigma. I had learned erroneously earlier when doing research after Void’s diagnosis that ASD people were more commonly introverts. I now realize this is incorrect. I’m an extrovert, so how could I be neurodivergent? Extroverted neurodivergents are just as common as introverted neurodivergents. From here, I would like to show and explain my thought process in understanding all this. I was always told as a child that I was “sensitive”. Nina would tell EVERYBODY this. She would make me feel like this was a bad thing. That this is what made me different. I used to say this same thing about Void, in a protective mommy way. Unlike the way it was weaponized against me by her. I always knew he and I were so much alike, I just never put it all together. Things that were pointed out to me were: I need to control my environment, to stay in a routine. I can’t tolerate chaos. I have a particular, sometimes peculiar, way I do things. I tell Ihnzo all the time when he asks why I do something a certain way, “I don’t know, it makes sense to me” or “don’t ask. I can’t explain it”. I also do the common ASD behavior of “Don’t touch my shit”. I know when someone has touched my things, even if you think you put everything back perfectly, I will know. When Nina would go through my room looking for things (drugs and alcohol) that didn’t exist, I knew when I opened my door. I’ve been told I’m an endless compendium of useless and sometimes useful knowledge. I have a wide range of movie quotes and commercial jingles in my head. This is not a talent I like because sometimes I get on my own nerves. I have stated multiple times that research and writing are my coping mechanisms. Often to an obsessive level. Does all the research I did on narcissism change anything… no. But it helps me figure things out, because from there I realized that I didn’t fit into the box of a survivor of a narc parent… something was missing. So, the next train of thought lead me to understanding the nature of cults and cult-like family dynamics. I could go on and on… The next thing that was pointed out to me was my ability to call out bullshit. I say this often about Void. Again, I didn’t correlate my ability to do it with Void’s ability. I could see Nina’s bullshit, even as a child. Screaming in my head to others that she was conning them. What they were seeing was the façade she wanted them to see. From there my thoughts would degrade into berating myself, that maybe it was me, that maybe I WAS evil and possessed and that was why I couldn’t see her the way everyone else did. Another thing was a realization in my therapy that it wasn’t that I pushed the feelings down and so I couldn’t feel them anymore; I could always feel them. I wasn’t allowed to show them. So, every morning in the shower I would go through all the emotions from the previous day and feel, process and release them. I could go from laughing and being happy about an event to crying about something that was said to me. All the stuff from the previous day. The “resting bitch face” was my version of ASD masking, faking that I wasn’t affected by anything. This is a horrible way for anyone to survive, especially a neurodivergent. Finally, accepting and embracing this new realization of me. I am not normal. Fuck being normal. I tell Void often that we don’t ever want him to change, we love him the way he is. Weird and all. He is a wonderful gift to this world, just like every other neurodivergent. Just like I was told by so many people my whole life. I was special. A gift to so many. All neurodivergent people are very special gifts that should be embraced for who they are, and we should stop “changing” them to be more normal. I’ll say it again… FUCK NORMAL!
Later, I had to confront the realization that there is a possibility that Nina knew there was something “different” about me. Instead of helping me to learn to navigate the world and be independent in a way that worked for me, she tried to make me dependent on her. I have been angry at her for the way she treated Dad and Leve because they were mentally disabled (I suspect ASD and low functioning). Now though, I have to come to terms with the realization that she may have knowingly and willingly done the same things to me. So now, the anger and hatred just get magnified. I don’t think I have ever voiced this next thought in my blogs before, but here it goes… there is no place in Hell, there is no level in Dante’s 9 levels of Hell… that will be enough for her. I have talked about this thought in therapy for over a year now. Yes, I’m angry and hurt and full of horrible feelings toward her. And I’m not ashamed or apologetic. I think I have a right to these feelings. The healing comes through in saying that now I can wear my heart on my sleeve again, only now it is protected by a suit of armor crafted from my scars and dragon scales. See me, see my scars, and know that my soul is on fire, I’m just a little angry and bitter now. I’m working on the anger and bitterness, but these things take time.
This is the first part in this series. Prepare yourself for unfiltered feelings, experiences, and truth. These will be my feelings, experiences, and truth, from my point-of-view, in my voice. I realize now, in looking back at my previous posts, that I “sugar-coated” parts of it. I did this to protect myself and to make it a little more digestible for others. Going forward, in this series at least, I will be a bit more raw. I’m doing this to give those that have gone a voice. If you think I’ve made up anything so far, all I can say is hold on, it’s gonna get wild. As crazy as a lot of this stuff sounds, you really can’t make this shit up.
I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash
I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind..
this is not my usual, i know
Songwriters: Johnny Nash
And BTW, Happy Mother’s Day…. LOL
(This is written and edited in one day. This is my pure thoughts.)
First published May 12, 2024