This is my second post. I started this blog site in September of 2023 with the intention of sharing my story, my Journey, my experiences in life. I went through a period of second thought because I didn’t want this to be a smear campaign against anyone. By definition from Wikipedia (not the best source, I know), “a smear campaign, also referred to as a smear tactic or simply a smear, is an effort to damage or call into question someone’s reputation, by propounding negative propaganda. It makes use of discrediting tactics.” What I want to say is based on my experiences. It’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows.
I can’t promise I will be able to get out a new post on a set schedule. This is a coping mechanism for me, not a way to monetize my trauma. Through October and November, I have meditated on how to move forward with this project. I have a list of blog posts I would like to do, ideas to talk about, and even an order I would like to do them. Yet, I think, for me, it would be best to write as things come up. Whether it’s a research project, a triggering event, or an epiphany. WHATEVER strikes my fancy, so to speak. Which brings me to today. A triggering event.
I have been doing well, apart from a few bumps that I am not able to discuss right now. My journal has been mostly positive improvements and healthy emotion tracking. My daily Rant Box has been blank for several weeks, save for a few annoyances. Me, my husband, and our two boys had a wonderful Turkey Day. I want to take a moment to and give myself permission to be proud; I think I out did myself this year. That is a hard thing for me to do. As recent as last year, I would find something to be negative about and magnify it 10-fold. It was peaceful for us, no drama (save for my usual self-imposed stress), no phone calls, nothing. Silence. Looking back over the day, there was absolutely no reason to stress.
Fast forward a few days to yesterday (November 25, 2023). My father emailed me at about 9:30am, but I didn’t check my email till almost 12 hours later. I’m working on not being hyper-vigilant about communication. Emails aren’t going anywhere, if it’s important whoever it is can use other ways of contacting me. And even then, I can still choose to answer or not. The email was a simple question of whether I had changed my number, if he could have the new one and that he loved me. I made an error in responding. I was calm, removing as much emotion as possible, and sticking to relevant information. I told him that I had not changed my number, I had blocked him because Mother was using his phone to contact me. I stated this was a boundary that I had set for myself. I have made so much progress in the last year and I was going to continue my healing journey. If he needed to contact me only in an emergency, he could reach out to my half-brother. Do not contact me again. The reply I received to my response was from my mother. “I understand now you understand if an emergency arrives note I’m going to tell Arron NOT to contact you…you don’t deserve my love or anyone else’s…goodbye”.
I started this journey on December 1, 2022. The plan was to educate myself on parental narcissistic abuse and recovery. What I am learning is far deeper. You can leave a dysfunctional narcissistic family dynamic. The narc or narcs will find a new target in a reasonable amount of time, sometimes almost immediately. Whether it’s another family member or a new vulnerable partner. You can’t leave a Cult. It’s simply not allowed. I stayed as long as I did because I believed that if I left or abandoned my mother (from here on I will no longer protect her), that I would lose everything and everyone. You don’t leave The Family. The Family includes everyone she has influence over whether it was Blood or not. And slowly I have. I am now estranged from my two older children, who loyally stand by her, proclaiming that she didn’t do anything wrong. That I am the Narcissist. My FB contacts only contain those who have no affiliation with Nina. A few know her, but no longer communicate with her. I have slowly been isolated. Yesterday proved that she has not moved on to a new target after a year. You don’t just leave a cult without repercussions.
I was meticulously molded into the image she wanted. Almost daily going against my personality nature in order to conform into what would make her happy and love me. I HATE CONFORMITY! I have always believed that everyone has a right to be unique. Nina said I could choose my religious path because she was not given that opportunity. At around 13 to 14, I settled on Southern Baptist. I tried so hard to fit in. Divine Powers that Be, I tried. But I questioned too much. I wanted it to make sense. I eventually left at 17. It was then that I started to question my faith and what I believed. Around 2003, I found Paganism was an actual thing and that it wasn’t what I had been taught. I have been on the journey since then, refining my practice and beliefs along the way. Spiritually, I’m home. And no, Mother, I don’t sacrifice anything. I can’t fathom how people still believe that.
Nina said I needed to learn how to be good housewife and mother. Those are the things she focused on teaching me. I wasn’t smart enough and I was too sensitive to be out on my own. That it would be better if I focused on finding someone to take care of me. She made a point of telling the two guys I dated in high school that I was spoiled, and I was used to getting things, so they needed to be sure that they could take care of me. I had almost no “skills” or something that I could use to support myself when I graduated. That was the job of my husband (who she had to approve) or her. My first mother-in-law taught me how to balance a checkbook, write a check, read a bill and pay stub. Nina didn’t want me to learn how to drive. Dad (step) insisted I learn because he didn’t want to drive me the four hours one-way to San Antonio every weekend. I was almost 21 when I finally got a license. Shortly after, I moved out. At that time, I was already married to my first husband for two years, still living at home. I hate talking about this. People on the outside scoff and judge, I thought it was normal. You don’t see the shit on the inside.
I had difficulty getting pregnant with my oldest. Nina never let up though, no compassion, no sympathy. She constantly made snide remarks about getting old and not having grandbabies. I was 19 when I married and 24 when I had my oldest. I did what I thought was expected of me to make her happy, to love me. Looking back, it was never enough. There would always be something I did that screwed things up. And she would be upset. My life was in constant chaos and turmoil. Trying to be there for my marriage, raise my kids better than I was, and still trying to win her love. I lived like this for over 20 years. Getting a divorce from my first husband and marrying my current husband, Ihnzo. That man has weathered the worst with me.
I know this has been all over the place, but there is so much. Some of my posts will be more structured, some will be chaotic. I’m not one to follow the norms. I break rules. Therefore, I’m choosing to write my blog according to my rules. I’ll figure it out as I go.
Who needs Boss Mechanics?
Break Ground by Blue October
“If I could be good enough, then I would be blown away.
And I could be their everyone, and I could be there everyday.
If I could be good enough, then I could just glow.
If I could let go, then I could change the world, but I can’t stop always tearing myself down.
I can be good enough. Yeah, I will break ground.”
Written by Justin FurstenfeldFirst published November 26, 2023