All the app’s journal prompts are positive. Sometimes life isn’t positive, it’s painful. I’ve been sick with several things since early November. Shingles, then the flu, then a severe sinus infection, and more. My thyroid is low, and my anemia has reared its ugly head, both because of lack of being able to eat and poor diet. My mood sucks, my tolerance and patience are nonexistent, and I’m so unhappy. I can’t hold it together anymore. I’ve never struggled with my planner this much, to the point where halfway through January, I haven’t done anything including monthly decorating. I have let myself physically, mentally, and emotionally be neglected and suffer. Now it’s affecting my family. I don’t know what Ihnzo is going through right now, but I can’t be there for him, especially if he won’t talk to me about anything. My spirit is just asking for a sabbatical. I keep trying to ask for changes that may or may not help all of us and just keep getting resistance, confrontation, and shutdowns. It feels like we’re all spiraling out of control and it’s my job to fix it. I get no comfort or support; not even a “good job”. I keep asking what I’m doing wrong and get silence. I think that says volumes. I have two conflicting ideas in my head recently. Give in and be obedient to keep the peace or be true to myself and say the truth and stand up for myself. I don’t want to upset anyone though, and Ihnzo and the Void don’t cope well (in different ways) when I don’t feel well or get sick. I understand why. So, I keep so much bottled up, so I don’t upset anyone. I want to go home… alone, to feel the beach and Gulf water. But I can’t. I’m trying to hold out till my birthday. That’s my lighthouse. Just a little longer, keep breathing.
Originally started January 16, 2025
Note: This is me venting. I am wife, mom, caregiver – in that order. And I get burnout. I get tired. I am guilty of consistently falling into self-sacrifice. I am working on it and making progress. Sometimes I will slip though.